Struggling with feeling like you have to be perfect? Always putting others first, even when it costs you? These patterns are often rooted in beliefs that you need to earn love, approval, or safety by sacrificing yourself. The good news is: you can break free. Below is a step-by-step guide to help you rebuild trust in yourself and honor who you are—imperfections and all.
1. Build Awareness
Notice your patterns: When do you tend to self-abandon or feel driven to be perfect? Is it around certain people, situations, or expectations?
- Ask yourself: What triggers this? When did I first feel like I had to be perfect to be okay?
- Write it down: Keeping a journal can help you spot patterns and uncover what’s beneath these behaviors.
Example: “I notice I put everyone else’s needs before mine because I’m scared of being seen as selfish.”
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-abandonment and perfectionism often come with a harsh inner critic. Let’s replace that voice with kindness.
- Be gentle with yourself: Try saying, “I’m human, and it’s okay to make mistakes.”
- Self-Compassion Break: When things feel hard, remind yourself:
- This is difficult. (Mindfulness)
- I’m not alone in feeling this way. (Common Humanity)
- What can I do to care for myself right now? (Self-Kindness)
Example: “It’s okay that I’m not perfect. What I need right now is rest, not more effort.”
3. Reconnect with Your Values and Needs
What really matters to you? Self-abandonment happens when we prioritize others’ needs over our own without even realizing it. Clarifying your values helps you refocus on what’s truly important.
- Identify your values: Ask yourself: What kind of person do I want to be? What matters most to me in life?
- Check in with your needs: Pause and ask: What am I feeling right now? What do I need?
Example: Instead of saying yes to everything, try: “I value my time and energy, so I need to set a boundary.”
4. Interrupt the Spiral
Self-abandonment and perfectionism can feel automatic. Let’s create space between the urge and the action.
- Pause before reacting: Try grounding techniques like:
- Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, pause for 4.
- STOP Technique: Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed intentionally.
- Ask yourself: If I didn’t abandon myself right now, what would I do instead?
Example: “Instead of saying yes to this, I’ll say, ‘Let me think about it and get back to you.’”
5. Challenge Perfectionism
Good enough is good enough. Let’s loosen the grip of perfectionism by embracing imperfection.
- Challenge your beliefs: Ask: What would happen if I let myself be imperfect?
- Practice imperfection: Deliberately do something imperfectly and notice that the world keeps turning.
Example: Instead of rewriting that email five times, send it as is and trust it’s enough.
6. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are not selfish—they’re a way to honor yourself.
- Start small: Say no to one thing this week that doesn’t align with your needs or values.
- Reframe boundaries: Instead of seeing them as rejection, view them as self-respect.
Example: “I can’t take this on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
7. Rebuild Self-Trust
Small, consistent actions that honor your needs build trust in yourself over time.
- Daily check-in: What’s one small way you can honor yourself today?
- Celebrate your wins: Every time you prioritize yourself, take a moment to acknowledge it.
Example: “I said no to something I didn’t want to do today. That’s a win.”
8. Reflect and Grow
Progress doesn’t have to be perfect. Take time to reflect on your growth and where you want to go next.
- Regular reflection: Ask yourself: What’s one way I honored myself this week? What’s one thing I’m proud of?
- Be patient: Change takes time, and that’s okay. You’re on your way to living with more grace and authenticity.
Example: “I’m learning to prioritize myself, one step at a time.”
Final Thoughts
Breaking free from self-abandonment and perfectionism is about reconnecting with yourself, embracing your humanity, and living in alignment with your values. Be patient and kind to yourself on this journey. You don’t have to do it perfectly—you just have to begin.
If you need support on this journey, reach out. Therapy is a space to explore these patterns and step into a life that feels authentic and free.
About Vanessa Zakeya Bryant, MS, LPC-Associate
Vanessa is a Relational Empowerment Therapist and the founder of Power Path Counseling. She provides couples and individual therapy across Texas, guiding clients toward deeper connection and authentic self-discovery. With a passion for the transformative power of aligned action from the heart, Vanessa integrates tools like Neuro-Somatic Integration, EMDR, and Health & Wellness Coaching to help clients overcome communication barriers, heal emotional wounds, and reclaim personal power.
Beyond the therapy room, Vanessa embraces the vibrant natural rhythm of Austin’s Hill Country. Whether soaking in fresh spring waters, crafting a delicious mess in the kitchen, or adventuring with her spirited pups, she’s constantly seeking moments of connection and vitality. A lover of hot yoga and an enthusiastic pickleball player, Vanessa is also drawn to exploring the intersections of regenerative agriculture and the growth within human relationships.
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