Ever found yourself mentally looping over someone—even though you know they aren’t a good fit? You don’t even like who you become around them, and yet… you keep coming back, hoping this time they’ll show up differently.
It’s not just attraction. It’s not even them. It’s a nervous system imprint. A glitch in the matrix that makes emotional unavailability feel like home.
Why Does This Happen?
When love felt inconsistent, unpredictable, or out of reach in childhood, our nervous system learned to chase it. We got wired to believe that closeness has to be earned, not simply received.
And so, when someone gives just enough to keep you hooked—but not enough to actually feel safe—you get trapped in an addictive loop.
🔹 We mistake emotional intensity for connection. If relationships were inconsistent growing up, the emotional highs and lows of an unavailable partner feel familiar—which the brain confuses with “chemistry.”
🔹 We crave validation as survival. If love felt conditional in the past, your nervous system is wired to prove your worth by trying to win over the unavailable.
🔹 We confuse longing with love. When we’ve only known relationships as something to chase, the absence of that chase can feel like disinterest—even though real love is supposed to feel steady.
The worst part? This cycle reinforces itself. Every time you almost get what you need—but don’t—it strengthens the obsession. Your brain treats the emotional whiplash like a puzzle to solve. But love isn’t a puzzle—it’s either reciprocal, or it’s not.
Love Addiction vs. Love
Let’s be clear: love addiction isn’t about love—it’s about survival instincts stuck on repeat.
The craving for someone who pulls away isn’t a sign that they’re the one—it’s a nervous system trauma pattern telling you that safety = unpredictability. And yet, your body is screaming for closure that won’t ever come from them.
So how do you stop obsessing?
How to Break the Cycle
Healing isn’t about cutting off love—it’s about learning to choose connection that feels steady, not just familiar.
💡 Key Shifts for Healing:
✅ Recognize the difference between love and trauma bonding. Real love feels safe, not like an emotional rollercoaster. If you’re constantly anxious or waiting for the other shoe to drop, that’s a red flag, not a sign of depth.
✅ Regulate your emotions so you don’t feel desperate for reassurance. When you feel the pull of obsession, don’t chase—pause. Name what you’re feeling. Let your nervous system settle before acting on impulse.
✅ Rewire your definition of chemistry. It’s not just about who makes your heart race—it’s about who makes your nervous system relax. Excitement without safety is just adrenaline.
✅ Choose partners who show up. If you keep ending up with people who send mixed signals, ask yourself: Do I actually want love, or am I just used to chasing it?
You Don’t Have to Repeat the Past
Here’s the thing: you were never the problem. But your nervous system is carrying old instructions that don’t work anymore. And that’s what needs rewriting.
The good news? You can heal this.
You can rewire yourself to stop craving the unavailable and start attracting what actually nourishes you.
💛 Want to untangle these patterns and finally break the cycle? I can help. Schedule a consultation and let’s start your healing journey.
About Vanessa Zakeya Bryant, MS, LPC-Associate
Vanessa is a Relational Empowerment Therapist and the founder of Power Path Counseling. She provides couples and individual therapy across Texas, guiding clients toward deeper connection and authentic self-discovery. With a passion for the transformative power of aligned action from the heart, Vanessa integrates tools like Neuro-Somatic Integration, EMDR, and Health & Wellness Coaching to help clients overcome communication barriers, heal emotional wounds, and reclaim personal power.
Beyond the therapy room, Vanessa embraces the vibrant natural rhythm of Austin’s Hill Country. Whether soaking in fresh spring waters, crafting a delicious mess in the kitchen, or adventuring with her spirited pups, she’s constantly seeking moments of connection and vitality. A lover of hot yoga and an enthusiastic pickleball player, Vanessa is also drawn to exploring the intersections of regenerative homesteading and human growth in relationships.
💡 Want support breaking free from old relational patterns? Make time today and let’s begin.
