Choosing Yourself: The Real Work of Boundaries
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown
Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away—it’s about choosing yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. And yeah, sometimes that means people won’t like it. That’s the hard part. But self-respect isn’t up for negotiation.
We don’t set boundaries because it’s easy. We set them because we’re done abandoning ourselves just to keep the peace.
But if the idea of setting a boundary makes your stomach tighten, your heart race, or your mind start crafting excuses—there’s a reason.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard (It’s Not Just in Your Head)
If you struggle with people-pleasing, over-explaining, or feeling guilty for putting yourself first, you’re not alone. Many of us were raised to believe that “being good” meant being agreeable, self-sacrificing, and easygoing.
And if you grew up in an environment where:
✅ Love felt conditional on your ability to keep others happy
✅ Conflict meant punishment, silent treatment, or withdrawal of affection
✅ Expressing needs led to being dismissed, guilt-tripped, or ridiculed
Then your nervous system likely learned that boundaries = danger.
Even if you consciously know setting a boundary is healthy, your body might react with a stress response because, at some point, saying “no” was met with rejection, anger, or shame.
This is why many people-pleasers freeze or fawn instead of asserting themselves. Their nervous system has been conditioned to believe that standing their ground is unsafe.
💡 Healing isn’t just about cutting people off. It’s about learning to regulate your nervous system so that boundaries stop feeling like a life-or-death risk.
The Difference Between Boundaries & Walls
Sometimes, when we start learning to set boundaries, we swing too far in the opposite direction—cutting people off completely, going silent, or becoming rigid in our limits.
That’s not a boundary—that’s a wall.
A boundary protects your well-being while still allowing connection.
A wall isolates you so that you don’t have to feel vulnerable.
✔ A boundary says: “I can’t talk right now, but I’d love to reconnect later.”
✖ A wall says: “I’m done with people. I just won’t answer my phone anymore.”
✔ A boundary says: “I’m not available to listen to this right now.”
✖ A wall says: “I’m blocking you because I can’t deal.”
Boundaries allow relationships to breathe. Walls suffocate them.
How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Jerk
If you struggle with guilt, here’s a powerful reframe:
💡 “Am I willing to disappoint someone else if it means not disappointing myself?”
Boundaries are not ultimatums. They’re not about controlling others—they’re about communicating what you will or won’t allow in your space.
Here’s how to set (and hold) a boundary in real time:
1. Name Your Non-Negotiables
Before you can communicate a boundary, you have to get clear on what your limits actually are. Ask yourself:
✅ What behaviors drain me?
✅ What do I keep saying “yes” to, even when I don’t want to?
✅ Where do I feel resentment? (Resentment is often a sign of over-giving.)
Examples of boundary areas:
- Emotional boundaries: “I’m not available to be your therapist.”
- Time boundaries: “I need a heads-up before last-minute plans.”
- Physical boundaries: “I’m not comfortable hugging everyone.”
2. Say It Clearly & Directly
Many of us soften boundaries with over-explaining or apologizing. But a firm, neutral statement is more effective.
🚫 Don’t say: “Ugh, I hate to do this, but I’m just so overwhelmed, and I feel like I need to set this boundary… I really hope you understand.”
✅ Do say: “I won’t be able to help with that.”
🚫 Don’t say: “I’m so sorry, but I can’t talk right now. Are you mad?”
✅ Do say: “I’m not available for this conversation right now.”
Boundaries don’t require permission. They require practice.
3. Expect Resistance (and Hold the Line Anyway)
The first time you set a boundary, people who benefitted from your lack of them might push back.
🔹 They might guilt-trip: “I can’t believe you’re saying no to me.”
🔹 They might test you: “Oh, so now you’re too busy?”
🔹 They might make it about them: “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible friend.”
Here’s the trick: Let them have their reaction. It’s not your job to manage it.
📌 If someone gets upset that you’re prioritizing yourself, that’s confirmation that you needed the boundary in the first place.
Boundaries in Different Relationships
Setting boundaries isn’t just about romantic partners—it applies across all areas of life.
💛 With Family
Family guilt is real. If you grew up in a dynamic where obligation trumped autonomy, saying “no” might feel impossible.
✔ Boundary example: “I love you, but I won’t discuss my personal life at dinner.”
❤️ With Romantic Partners
Healthy relationships respect boundaries. If someone reacts to your limits with anger, blame, or manipulation, that’s a red flag.
✔ Boundary example: “I need time to process before having a big conversation.”
🛠️ At Work
You don’t owe your job 24/7 access to your time or energy.
✔ Boundary example: “I won’t be checking emails after 6 PM.”
👯♀️ With Friends
Friendships should feel reciprocal, not like an unpaid therapist gig.
✔ Boundary example: “I can’t give advice right now, but I care about you.”
Final Thoughts: Choosing Yourself Isn’t Selfish—It’s Necessary
If you’ve spent your life prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over your own well-being, setting boundaries might feel unnatural at first.
That’s okay. It’s a muscle, not a personality trait. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
So next time you feel that internal tug-of-war—between keeping the peace and keeping your self-respect—ask yourself:
💡 Who am I willing to disappoint? Someone else, or myself?
Because choosing yourself isn’t rejection. It’s self-respect.
About Vanessa Zakeya Bryant, MS, LPC-Associate
Vanessa is a Relational Empowerment Therapist and the founder of Power Path Counseling. She provides individual and couples therapy across Texas, helping people build healthier relationships, recover from codependency, and break free from past patterns. With expertise in EMDR, Neuro-Somatic Integration, and Health & Wellness Coaching, Vanessa helps clients regulate their nervous systems, set empowered boundaries, and reclaim personal power. When she’s not in session, you’ll find her exploring Austin’s Hill Country, making a delicious mess in the kitchen, or soaking in fresh spring waters.
💛 Struggling with boundaries? Let’s work on it together. Schedule a consultation today and take the first step toward honoring yourself.
