Let’s be real—nobody intentionally sabotages their own relationship.
But if you’re here, something’s not working. Maybe you’re craving more closeness but keep hitting the same frustrating roadblocks. Maybe conflict feels exhausting, or emotional intimacy always seems just out of reach.
💡 Here’s the hard truth: Most of us are running on outdated relationship programming—coping strategies that once kept us safe but are now quietly wrecking our connections. And if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) or a deep-feeling partner, these patterns might be playing out in ways you don’t even realize.
Why Your Relationships Keep Hitting the Same Walls
If you’ve ever felt like you keep having the same fights or shutting down when you want to open up, you’re not alone. The way you show up in relationships is often shaped by survival strategies you learned long before you even started dating.
Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), describes how most people fall into one of four relational traps based on two dimensions:
🔹 Boundaries – Are you walled-off or overly available?
🔹 Self-esteem – Do you feel “one-up” (controlling) or “one-down” (unworthy) in relationships?
This model explains why you might keep repeating the same relationship struggles—even when you desperately want things to change.
Want to geek out on the psychology behind these patterns? Check out Terry Real’s Relationship Grid.
4 Ways You Might Be F*cking Up Your Relationship (Without Even Realizing It)
1. You’re Either Walled-Off or Way Too Available
How It Shows Up:
✔ You shut down when things get hard, avoiding tough conversations like they might burn your house down.
✔ Or, you bend over backward trying to make your partner happy—losing yourself in the process.
Why It’s Happening:
This is all about boundaries. Some people put up walls (walled-off), others let everything in (boundaryless). If intimacy feels like an uphill battle, you’re probably stuck in one of these extremes.
🚨 Fix It: Find your middle ground.
➡ If you’re walled-off: Practice small acts of openness—share one thing you’re feeling today.
➡ If you’re boundaryless: Try a pause before saying yes—do you actually want to do this, or are you just avoiding conflict?
2. You Play the “One-Down” or “One-Up” Game
How It Shows Up:
✔ You feel like you’re never enough—always questioning if you’re lovable, good enough, or doing enough.
✔ Or, you tend to take charge—dominating conversations or steamrolling over your partner’s needs.
Why It’s Happening:
This is about self-esteem dynamics. In relationships, some people go “one-down” (seeking validation, feeling unworthy), while others go “one-up” (feeling superior, dismissing their partner’s needs).
🚨 Fix It: Own your patterns.
➡ If you’re one-down: Start affirming your own worth instead of waiting for your partner to do it.
➡ If you’re one-up: Slow the f*ck down and create space for your partner’s perspective.
3. You Confuse Drama for Passion
How It Shows Up:
✔ You thrive on emotional highs and lows—makeups and breakups, intense fights followed by even more intense reconnections.
✔ If things feel too stable, you lowkey get bored.
Why It’s Happening:
If love was unpredictable growing up, your nervous system might only recognize connection when there’s chaos. That doesn’t mean you want toxic cycles, but your brain associates intensity with love.
🚨 Fix It: Rewire what feels safe.
➡ Start noticing how it feels when things are calm. Do you feel anxious when there’s no drama?
➡ Redefine excitement—try adventurous dates, new experiences, or deep conversations instead of emotional whiplash.
4. You Avoid Hard Conversations Because They’re “Not a Big Deal”
How It Shows Up:
✔ You tell yourself “I don’t want to start a fight”—so you bottle things up, let resentment simmer, and explode later.
✔ Or, you assume your partner should just know what you need—without ever actually saying it.
Why It’s Happening:
Some of us learned that expressing needs = too much, too needy, too difficult. Others grew up in homes where nobody modeled how to have healthy conflict.
🚨 Fix It: Stop waiting for the “perfect” moment.
➡ If something’s bothering you, bring it up before it festers.
➡ Use direct but kind communication: “Hey, I want to bring something up—not to blame, but because I care about this relationship.”
The Fix: Awareness + Small, Intentional Shifts
✅ Identify which pattern feels most familiar to you.
✅ Choose one small change to start with this week—a tiny shift in communication, boundaries, or self-awareness.
✅ Be patient—healing relationship patterns is a process, not a one-time hack.
🔥 Final Thoughts: You’re Not Stuck, But Your Patterns Might Be
The relationships you want are possible—but they start with awareness and action. You don’t have to stay trapped in cycles that aren’t serving you.
Start small. Stay consistent. Watch your relationships transform.
💡 Want help breaking out of these cycles? That’s what I do. Let’s get you unstuck and create the kind of relationships that actually feel good to be in.
📆 Schedule a consultation here
About Vanessa Zakeya Bryant, MS, LPC-Associate
Vanessa is a Relational Empowerment Therapist and the founder of Power Path Counseling. She helps highly sensitive individuals and deep-feeling couples break toxic cycles, set healthier boundaries, and build relationships that actually work.
Using Neuro-Somatic Integration, EMDR, and Relational Therapy, Vanessa helps clients move from survival mode to fully living in their relationships with clarity and confidence.
Beyond the therapy room, Vanessa soaks up Austin’s Hill Country vibes, loves hot yoga, effervescent spring-fed swims, making a delicious mess in the kitchen, and adventuring with her spirited pups through the outdoors.
📆 Book a no-cost consultation here and start creating the relationship you actually want.
